Tuesday, December 20, 2011

JB

(Still blogging with my phone)
Butter, nana, 3 hours of sleep, and I was off to JB!

The highlight was Sunday night with alcohol in our hotel room. I don't know how much I drank but I got so drunk and happy. To summarize, I was basically dancing in my underwear because Nurin kept pulling my shorts down. It ended up on the light that was hanging from the ceiling. I don't think I should mention whatever else that happened. It was crazy and I love my pltmates. :')

I don't think I will ever forget this night. Can't wait for Nurin to upload the pictures hehe.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Solo adventure

First time blogging from my phone. My stupid laptop crashed.

(-) All my files are gone. Songs. School documents. Favorite poems and quotes. Pictures. Everything. Gone.
(-) Terribly bored without a laptop.
(+) I am finally getting a mac. Ok hopefully.
(+) It died at the right time - end of the semester. If it'd crashed right smack in the middle of it I swear I would cry.

So we went over to Edlyn's place for Alwyn's birthday surprise. Happy 24th, Alwyn! We had crabs for dinner. 4 crabs, 11 people. And I only ate ONE LEG (or whatever it's called). And some bread dipped in chilli crab sauce. I think almost everyone was trying to get the best parts and I decided that I shouldn't simply because I was kinda lazy to. Twelve cupcakes for dessert! The red velvet didn't taste as good as how I remembered ("Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." This sentence I heard from Snoopy's Fair seems to fit haha). But anyway it was great to see everyone again.

It would have been an awesome day if not for that one stupid dream I had when I took a nap in the afternoon. Have you ever had such a painful dream that you woke up in tears, or at least with an aching heart? Yeah that was it. It was a manifestation of my insecurities. The things I have been trying to turn a blind eye to. The things I have been trying to accept and not make a damn fuss of because I have no right to. The things that I can't change. It got me thinking again. I don't know how to handle it. I told you I had "a fucking bad dream" but I didn't tell you about it even though you asked. I just don't think it is necessary. I told you it's "nothing much" but the truth is it really hurts when I think about it.

On the way back to town from Edlyn's place I think I got teary-eyed on the bus. Especially after reading your messages. Because it seems like you are the busy one who has no time for me. Then I thought how ridiculous it was if I were to cry because my eyeliner would smudge. I didn't wanna risk looking like a panda-ish wreck so I tried to think of something else. I think I really needed a hug right there and then. I think I wanted to see you. But I didn't tell you.

I think that was why I kinda stayed mad and angsty the entire time. If I weren't in that mood I'm afraid I would remember how much it pricks. When I am upset I am more upset with myself than I am with you. Because I am so silly. But I am not mad anymore. And when I am not mad I morph back into this soft-hearted fool. Laying my heart right at your feet so you could walk over it just one more time.

On another note, I went home from orchard BY FOOT. First it was the ridiculous cab fare hike. Then it was the apology for an inconvenience caused because my train was not on service even though it was 2330. I have a straight bus home opposite Far East but the bus stop was apparently filled with desperate people trying to squeeze onto the already very packed buses with all their might. They stood on the road in an attempt to be the first to board. They also boarded from the back. I was surprised they didn't climb onto the roof. The arrival time for my next 143 stood stagnant at 14 minutes for about 15 minutes. I wasn't in a rush and I refused to take a cab so I tried walking to Toa Payoh from Orchard with the aid of Google maps from my handy dandy iPhone. I figured that if I lose my way I would then take a cab. I had to walk under this bridge and it was dark and I was scared because I was all alone at midnight. Sometimes I had to jaywalk because there was no pedestrian crossing at all and once I found myself in the middle of a junction. I must have looked like a fool but I pretended to be really cool about it. The walk took me a little more than an hour. Please don't think I'm weird haha anyway it was really satisfying.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Saudade

"Articulacy of fingers, the language of the deaf and dumb, signing on the body body longing. Who taught you to write in blood on my back? Who taught you to use your hands as branding irons? You have scored your name into my shoulders, referenced me with your mark. The pads of your fingers have become printing blocks, you tap a message on to my skin, tap meaning into my body. Your Morse code interferes with my heart beat. I had a steady heart before I met you, I relied upon it, it had seen active service and grown strong. Now you alter its pace with your own rhythm, you play upon me, drumming me taut."
― Jeanette Winterson, Written on the Body


The very thought of you leaving is what I've been trying to push to the back of my mind. Sometimes it floats to the surface hinting at the shipwreck below. I refuse to acknowledge it. I suppress it. I trivialize it. I know that once I recognize it, it's gonna hurt so I hide it in this stupid little cup of mine, and today when it finally struck me that you'll be leaving in 3 weeks (25 days to be exact), I overflow and I overflow and I overflow. 1 year is a terribly long time.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

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x Sushi craving satisfied!
x New found love for asparagus.

S: Help me!
Me: I'll paste your fb link for **** and type "Check her out!"
S: Can you don't make me sound desperate??
Me: Ok I'll paste your fb link and type "Check her out when you're free!"

Thursday, December 1, 2011

12/2011

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The mess I study in all the time.


"He wanted all to lie in an ecstasy of peace; I wanted all to sparkle and dance in a glorious jubilee. I said his heaven would be only half alive; and he said mine would be drunk: I said I should fall asleep in his; and he said he could not breathe in mine."
Emily Brontë

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Ignoramus

Yesterday when I was on the bus back home from school, it was the usual: ears plugged with my favourite songs, fighting the urge to break into a dance, appearing as if I was gazing into something but I was really just staring into space, unaware of my surroundings.

I was sitting right next to the exit. In front of me was a piece of glass, upon which I could see the reflection of myself, as well as the passengers behind me. I looked, and that was when I realised that on every public transport that I take alone, I trap myself in a bubble. That bubble is full of mirrors – so all I see is myself.

Sometimes when I’m on the bus, I don’t necessarily want to talk to people. I don’t even wanna do anything at all, but just swim in the music that saves me. After all we have 1000 songs in our pockets. It is an uplifting rush – the build-ups and breakdowns of trance music. It is escapism – even if it lasts for a mere 10 minutes. Almost completely oblivious to the things that are going on around me, unless I make the conscious effort to look. It is different with earphones off. I still hear without even trying to. I am aware.

It is so isolating that even my thoughts can’t reach me. I become so oblivious and so self-absorbed that I have no opinion about anything because I notice nothing. Is this not a problem?

Sunday, November 27, 2011

If your heart is open it can never stay broken

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Went Chinatown for some spicy food. Short was sitting opposite me when we were eating and when I looked up she was perspiring SO MUCH I thought she was sitting in the rain.... hahahahaha I kid but she was literally dripping in sweat. The amount of tissue she used hahaha.

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I was trying that photobooth stuff in Snoopy's Fair haha. I love the things Charlie Brown says hahaha. "Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." "If it goes without saying, why did you say it?" "I have developed a new philosophy: I only dread one day at a time." I am not gonna delete it like how I did to Smurfs' Village!

AND I AM FINALLY DONE WITH MY MUS113 JOURNALS. Last day of school tomorrow before study break. Hell yeah.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Takotsubo cardiomyopathy

What's with this emotional eating? I used to lose my appetite whenever I'm going through something like this, but this time I keep feeding my feelings. It's as though I'm hoping that stuffing myself with food would fill the emotional void in me. Except it doesn't.

I have been mistaken and misunderstood, and my words misinterpreted. I have given an explanation on my part, but I guess if an image like this has been imprinted this hard, nothing I say is ever gonna change that impression. I should probably just shut up from now on because my best intentions never ever do any good anyway.

I woke up today with disgustingly puffy eyes. Most of the time if I want something, nothing will ever exhaust me. But this I should probably just give up. Because it's one-sided. Because I look at you with feelings and you never gave me a single glance. Because it feels like hell to be built up just to be torn back down. Because it hurts so bad to hold on to something that only exists in my head. Because I don't know what else to do.

:'( Guess I'll never see Hunter again.


“I gave him my heart, and he took and pinched it to death; and flung it back to me. People feel with their hearts, Ellen, and since he has destroyed mine, I have not power to feel for him.”
― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights
So fucking tired of bawling my eyes out. Heart hurts like fuck.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

UB Pageant/Bash

Saturday: Zouk. Nana!!!
I didn't bother looking for 2PM because I didn't know Nichkhun was part of them (?!). Some of my friends couldn't get into Phuture so we stayed in Zouk which was extremely boring. NANA SAVED THE NIGHT!!!

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:*

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Don't you think they look like 2 pairs of twins hahaha.

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CQL's face looked like it was gonna explode haha why do people turn red but I don't?

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Edlyn and Alwyn so cute!

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Ben was trying to look small.

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Haha Terence's brother!!!! Small boy qtpi!!! Carbon copy of him.

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Horny face 1.

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Horny face 2.

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Please just look at Alwyn again. Hahahahahahaahah. Save. Me.

I think I pissed a girl off yesterday at Zouk because I didn't know I was invading her personal space. Sorry stranger, I didn't mean it :( You really didn't have to stab me so hard with your eyes though.

Fabulous night aside, I hate how I am feeling right now. I gave up trying to figure out how you have such a hold on me. I have been desperately looking for any kind of distraction everywhere, trying to convince myself, but it took you a mere few words to bring me right back to where I started. I guess it's true when they say you can't run away from yourself.

I can't remember how I managed to remove my makeup, change out and wash up last night. But I can remember how I started tearing right after I hit my bed. Because we don't forget pain. I must have thought of you.

And what is most pathetic is if you want me to, I would. Tell me I'm a fucking fool.