Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Pausing, gazing, bending, stopping.

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1. Every time I remove my make up my face feels lighter.
2. I carry 3 bags to school everyday: school bag, left eye bag, and right eye bag. :(


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1. Unearthed my floral shorts.
2. Nicole by OPI: Rainbow In The S-kylie.

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From Edlyn! Love it! ♥

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"Have you ever wanted to ask a question but you didn't because you knew in your heart you wouldn't be able to handle the answer?"

Sometimes, the best way to not get your heart broken, is pretend that you don't have one. Because if you actually felt how much you really love them, it would kill you.

Tired. Confused. Disappointed. Insecure. Scared.

Scared.

Scared.

Why.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

It's nearing the end of March. I am almost half way there. Today you told me you don't know.

I thought what I needed was a lot of faith - the only weapon in our arsenal to battle doubt. Then I realized, faith, like anything else, can only bring me this far.

They say the scariest thing about distance is that you don't know whether they will miss you or forget you.


I am missing you.

And you're forgetting me.

Monday, March 26, 2012

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Isaac! :D

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Today I discovered the existence and the wonders of google docs. I am so amazed!! :O :O :O WHAT KIND OF ROCK HAVE I BEEN LIVING UNDER?!

Want:
The Lover's Dictionary by David Levithan
Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult
Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë

Saturday, March 24, 2012

We don't just conveniently forget to do things that we really want to. We forget, mostly because it isn't important enough to remember, so we don't make a conscious effort to. I should already know that.

This week made me realize that sometimes, our best intentions are not good enough. I should stop trying so hard to fix things.

I always thought I could. You know? Beat all odds, fight for it, persevere. Because I believed in it. Thought it would be worth it. Wanted everything to be worth it. I thought wrong.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Love III

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(How can I control my life if I can't even control my hair.)
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Love
Love II
(Disclaimer: Fictitious characters. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)


It becomes an apology: I am sorry, I love you. It turns into an excuse: Because I love you. Then it is a shield: Don't hate me, I love you.

It isn't laid out like a book. It cannot be held, and there are no pages to flip. My right hand has nothing to hold, nothing that gets thinner and thinner so I know the end is near. We were arguing. Self righteous and angry, I was choked with tears. This heat, this loudness, this intensity. I was being unreasonable and demanding. This was the moment you were supposed to defend yourself. This was the moment you were supposed to take your suitcase and this was the moment I was supposed to take the blame. But this was the wrong script. You were gazing at me and I was embarrassed by the look of love on your face. Love. It's forgiveness, it's patience, it's second chances.

I thought of love as romantic and impressionable. I thought of love as a paradisiacal bed of roses. But I know it does not just fix things; it does something better. It gives me courage and strength. In return I give everything I can, and try to give everything I cannot. Nothing seems as much without you. Even beauty does not hold well if I do not witness it with you. I see something sublime and I think of you. I share my biggest triumphs and my most embarrassing flaws with you. I tell you about my awful days and you share yours with me.

You are the lighthouse of my universe. You illuminate. You make everything more.

Monday, March 19, 2012

How To Destroy Something Beautiful

"First, you will meet someone amazing — probably better than amazing. This person will fulfill and exceed all your expectations. Whatever it is you’ve been looking for all this time, this person will exemplify that, and you’ll begin falling for them in every conceivable way.

At the start you’ll be happy. You’ll want to scream about it and wear a t-shirt that says “I’m with awesome” that has an arrow pointing to them so everyone will know that you’re one of the lucky ones. You’ll laugh together and hold hands and it will be like your very own personal romantic comedy.

Then something will click inside your brain. You’ll start worrying all the time. You’ll worry that you’re not good enough for your new relationship. You’ll worry you’ll be dropped in exchange for someone better. You’ll worry your heart is about to be broken. You’ll worry it’s all a big fat joke designed to rain even more crap on you, because really, you’ve never been lucky in love. You’ll worry about all manner of inanities and not one of them will come close to making even a tiny bit of sense. But you’ll worry regardless.

So you start acting on your irrational worries. You start putting yourself down. You feel sub-par, like you don’t deserve this wonderful person being wonderful to you all the time. You regress. You become your most vile, juvenile, selfish image. You push and you prod and spout immaturities in a desperate bid to push the other person away. One day, you’ll push so hard you’ll succeed.

You’ll cry because you didn’t want to ruin everything, not really. You don’t know why you acted the way you did, not when everything was so perfect. You wanted it to work out — it was going to be a fairytale. You’ll hate yourself and your childish ways. Maybe you’ve never behaved this way before; maybe you have, but not since you were fifteen.

You’re scared, that’s why you’re being a moron, but it’s not an excuse — just an explanation, and not a particularly good one either. You replay all the crappy things you said and did. The whole thing is an out of body experience — you scream at yourself to stop being an asshole. What you really want is a time machine, so you can erase all your manic behavior and start from the beginning, throwing your arms around the one you’ll someday love with confidence and abandon."


― Kat George | Thought Catalog

Saturday, March 17, 2012

“I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want… a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.”


― Shana Abé

!@#$%^

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Before I start on UGC again,

I just want to say that I really hate how I am right now. I think I'm becoming the very person that I told myself not to be. Pessimistic, irritable, whiney, full of complaints, paranoid, and mostly just fucking insecure. I am becoming increasingly insecure by the day. It's killing me inside and I abso-fucking-lutely HATE IT. I am so disgusted by how much I think and how easily I cry over such things. I don't even understand it, and maybe I should stop trying to figure out what would make me happy and what you could do to help me.

I decided to go back to work next week, despite the busy schedule. I am sick of facing the books everyday and then having to block unpleasant thoughts out of my head. I can be stuck on a page for an hour, I can read a sentence 20 times over, and it still isn't processed in my head. I scan line after line of words with my eyes but my mind is somewhere else.

I am so sick of how mundane and meaningless my days are. I need something good to happen. I need to do something positively crazy at least once every week to maintain my sanity, or what's left of it. I need to meet new people. I cannot be still and stagnant because it bores me terribly.

I want to channel this negative energy to doing things that are more productive I am sick and tired of thinking and overthinking and feeling all insecure I really hate it so fucking much and I am going to occupy myself with school and work and party and school and work and party I don't want any me-time anymore because I am just gonna have to face all my insecurities once again I just want to be so fucking busy and I wanna be breathless and exhausted BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THE CAPACITY FOR NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND I NEED TO CALM THE FUCK DOWN right about now.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Recipe For Happiness

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Bruised and battered by your words
Dazed and shattered now it hurts

Monday, March 12, 2012

"Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing."
― Oscar Wilde



Y'know what's the thing about words? No they're not cheap. They're fucking free. I really wish I could sit down for 10 minutes, and not worry about

a

single

damn

thing.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Bliss

“Exhaust the little moment. Soon it dies. And be it gash or gold it will not come again in this identical guise.”
— Gwendolyn Brooks

He said he was gonna nap for 20 minutes. His 20 minutes became 3 hours. Please note the change in brightness at his window and in my room.

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At this point his alarm rang. It went on for about 3 minutes because he didn't realize it. It sounds stupid but I actually did a visual check on his breathing hahaha because how is it possible to not hear the alarm at all?? If there was a fire he would be burnt in his sleep.

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The sun was setting here and rising over there. And my your-20-minutes-is-damn-long face.

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My but-it's-okay-I-forgive-you face.

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My room was completely dark.

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Hahahaha finally. After this screenshot he went back to sleep. And is still sleeping at this instant.


I feel a little like Edward Cullen, watching someone sleep. Except for the fact that I am not there physically, and I am only 20 and not a vampire. When you look at someone sleep you see them in the most vulnerable state. They are stripped of their defenses. And you look at them in a way you seldom do when they are awake.

I hear you breathing and snoring right now and it's so funny but comforting. Feels so much closer, despite being 9000++ miles apart geographically. Times like this make up for the insecurities, the unhappiness, the fights, the distance. Times like this make petty arguments seem so damn stupid and irrelevant. What the hell was I thinking? I miss waking up to your face in the morning. And I miss looking at you and realizing that I like the sleep left in your eyes (although I need to locate them first hahaha kidding).


How can you miss a person this terribly.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Monotony

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What I've been eating the whole day. I used to dislike it so much when I was young.

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2 tests next week. Another test the following week. I can't believe how mundane my life is right now. Just going through the motions, which absolutely bothers me. I need something to look forward to every week. :(

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Apple of my eye

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He was trying to dance.

Instead of doing work,
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he checks his phone and smiles to himself,

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and digs his nose (as usual).

I took another classic shot but he refuses to let me post it up. :(

We spent more than 7 hours Skyping! :D :D :D We talked, we studied, and he took a short nap.

What it took to wake him up: 3-4 missed calls on his mobile (non-silent mode) + 2x ringing of his house phone + friend #1 + friend #2 + friend #3 (I think). And probably some eye power from me because I was watching everything hahaha. Pig.

Watching him sleep kinda stirred up some emotions in me. Well I didn't exactly watch, but I guess just looking up from my work occasionally and knowing that he's there sleeping is good enough. Even though it was dark and all I could see was this oddly shaped lump of comforter on the bed. Had not done it in 2 months, ever since he left. There's always something about watching someone you love sleep. It's weird, how the most trivial and unimportant things that don't seem to matter could make me feel so much.


You have no idea how happy you make me feel. And so afraid at the same time.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.
— Sarah Kay


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I was looking for Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) videos and I chanced upon two other documentaries:

First was The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off on Jonny Kennedy, who was diagnosed with Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB). People with EB has extremely fragile skin, such that it would fall off at the slightest friction. Both parents must carry the defective gene for a child to be born with this condition. Kennedy died at the age of 36 due to terminal cancer.

The second one was on Ashley Kurpiel, who has a very rare disease called Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva (FOP). It is the ossification of fibrous tissues due to a mutation in the body's repair mechanism and causes the progressive loss of mobility. Basically, muscles turn to bone. An early misdiagnosis resulted in the amputation of her right arm. She is still alive.

Such strong souls. So terribly heartbreaking. So ashamed of myself. I have absolutely nothing to complain about.